“’Cuz I have friends and that’s a fact, like Agnes, Agatha, Jermaine, and Jack, Forget about that and let’s go into the story…”
-Just a Friend, Biz Markie (dedicated to Mairin because the DJ didn’t play her request at Dance Cave. I Tim Robbinsed him)

Continuing where we last left off with Mairin’s visit…

Wednesday arrived and I took the day off work for some tomfoolery with Mairin. Our day was to consist of shopping. But where, you may ask? Why, Honest Ed’s of course!

We thought it would be a hilarious shopping trip, and we weren’t disappointed. As we entered the store, our senses were assaulted with ungodly knick knacks and kitsch. I was in the process of informing Mairin of the last time I was in Honest Ed’s and Dan and I discovered the Tupac incense, when what should we stumble upon? Incense. But this time in such artfully and tastefully decorated packages with semi-clad black women and titles such as “Brown Sugar,” “Black Magic” and “Ebony Musk.” Of course, we didn’t hesitate to purchase them, as only good things could come of this. And we were right.


We walked up the stairs- if you haven’t been to Honest Ed’s, it’s a multi-level junk fest that covers two buildings, features clothing in bins, and large pictures of people you’ve never heard of on the walls (Liberace and Celine Dion are the exceptions)- and wandered into the men’s department. We were about to purchase some shirts so we could create gifts for people when we saw what was in the neighbouring bin- Men’s tighty whities. That’s right, underwear. We grabbed a handful of packages and at that point decided that Dirk, Angus and Shane, as well as ourselves, would get some sort of gift package from Mairin and I.

The fun didn’t’ stop there as we browsed through the 99 cent pants and the girdles. Then we hit the jackpot in the DVD department. Mairin had just purchased a wolf pocket watch when she found the DVD Bail Out (aka W.B., Blue and the Bean), a movie starring David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair. We dug through the pile and produced as many copies as we could find, along with a copy of a movie starring Billy Dee Williams (best random relatable quote heard yesterday on Everybody Hates Chris: “I feel like Billy Dee Williams when he finds a case of malt liquor”). Thanks to the good people at Dollar DVD for providing such instant classics. Luckily, I found 6 copies- one for everyone!

We also openly mocked religion.

“Oh snap! Guess what I saw!”

After Honest Ed’s it was over to the Eaton’s Centre to the Pickle Barrel for, you guessed it, Half Yards of beer. We ordered our half yards and some food, broke out the recently purchased underwear and got down to business with some permanent markers. Earlier Mairin had purchased some Black History pamphlets which contained “facts” that were neither facts, nor were they correct. We did have quite a few stares as we were decorating the gitch, taking turns on the boys’ pairs, and making one for eachother. Somewhere around here we broke out with the obnoxious man voice. Example: "Bail Out!" Sample writings of weird inside jokes:

Mairin: Make Out with Me, a picture of Mr. Beefy smoking a pipe, her phone number which I expertly drew on the band of the underwear (sometime around here I also forgot how to spell Mairin's name), Sweet City Woman
Rachel: You call this bacon? The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades, Apple?
Dirk: The stuff dreams are made of, Manscaped to perfection, a picture of a strawberry
Shane: Easy like Sunday morning, Play Out of Control: Take off your Pants, Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems

I also wrote everyone’s name inside on the band and everyone has the word "wang" written somewhere on it (as it is the word of the month) and lightning bolts. Mairin has similar themed pictures of me, and I have all the ones of her...

By this time we had finished our half yards and moved on to giant goldfish bowl size bellini’s when Dirk joined us around 6:45, 3 hours after we had first sat down. Yes, it really did take us 3 hours to make 6 pairs of underwear (the other two were for Angus and Meredith who coined the term: “Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.”), and the drunker we got, the sloppier and more slurred the designs became (case in point: Mairin wrote upsidedown on Shane’s). We were pretty trashed by this point, having been drinking since 3:45pm.

With the arrival of Dirk it was decided that we should go dancing and we went to the Eaton’s Centre so we could all purchase new outfits and dance in the stores; tasks we were all successful at.

Shane met us and it was off to a Thai restaurant for dinner so we could hand out our gifts and drink some more. Dirk, Mairin and I changed in the bathroom. Mairin and I had a rousing rendition of the song, “Shaving my Armpits” and talked through the paper thin wall to Dirk as he changed in the men’s room before joining us in the women’s bathroom so we could discuss eachother’s clothing choices.
On the way out, Mairin and I stole a poster for Body Worlds so we could give it to Dirk later in the evening to see if he fainted at the sight of the plasticized bodies as he had in real life.

Off to Labyrinth for cheap martini’s, we met Meredith and continued in the usual fashion of being drunk and hilarious for the next 3 hours. Nobody really got their dance on- Mairin, Meredith and Shane danced to Michael Jackson while Dirk and I held down the fort at our table. And then Shane and I went and danced to part of some terrible song before giving up. After 1am we walked over to Dance Cave, but alas, it was closed so we bid adieu to Dirk and Meredith. Also many more instances of obnoxious Man Voice.

Mairin and I modeled our new gitch on the subway as bemused passengers looked on. So sad that Mairin had to go back to the ‘Skatch. It was like having our own little corner of Ottawa in TO for a few days. Oh well. Wednesday was one for the ages.
I'm still recovering from last Friday onward. I fell asleep at 8:30pm last night. I can't believe the whirlwind that has been my life between Mairin and Eve's visits. I'm exhausted, and for the first time in a week, I'm not intoxicated, hungover, or feeling any alcoholic vibes. But it was all worth it. Now I need to rest for Natalie's visit next weekend.

Today’s Top 5 playlist:
Lover’s Spit- Broken Social Scene
Walk to the Water- U2
Better Do Better- Hard-Fi
The Blower’s Daughter- Damien Rice
Try Me- James Brown

(I know, kinda slow and sad today…)

“You, You got what I need”